How To Deal
by Duration
Summary: The chaotic lives of the Akatsuki members. Crack fic: Massive OOC
1. Tobi

**I warn you now, there will be MAJOR OOC in this chapter fic. Continue reading at your own risk. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters because I do not own Naruto.**

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The sun was blaring high above the two Akatsuki members who sat in an odd but companionable silence underneath a tree for shade in a large field not too far from their final destination. Deidara twirled his ring between his fingers, yawning loudly. It has been a long day, but they don't have much farther to go. He yawned again feeling his eyelids grow heavy before shutting completely. 

Tobi looked over at his partner sleeping peacefully. _Oh no! Oh no! _He stood up and hopped from foot to foot. _Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! I really need to use the bathroom! _Tobi crouched down and leaned in closely, examining Deidara's peaceful face. He brushed his nose softly causing the blond's eyes to flutter open.

The first thing he noticed was Tobi's close proximity. "TOBI WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YEAH???" He shrieked scrambling to his feet.

"I'm sorry! Sorry Deidara-sempai, I didn't mean to scare you… but it's an _emergency!"_ He squeaked out the last word.

Deidara raised an eyebrow curiously. "Where's the emergency, yeah?" The two really should get going, they were wasting valuable time that they did not have.

"The emergency's right here sempai…" Tobi said quickly, clutching between his legs. Deidara smacked his forehead and shook his head slightly. "But there's no bathroom and I really, really need to go!"

"Dumbass, go behind those bushed and please hurry. We need to get moving, yes."

"But Sempai!" he complained. "There might be bears or wolves… or something!" Deidara sighed and looked up at the sky. It's getting late, but at this rate they'll be lucky enough to make it by nightfall.

"Tobi. Behind those bushed. NOW!" Deidara angrily pointed his finger in the direction of a bush hoping to get his annoying partner to move.

Tobi, deciding he couldn't wait any longer rushed off in that direction. The blond thanked every God there was while he took a seat underneath the shady tree, and as he had done before, he let his eyes droop and sleep overcome him.

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He opened his eyes to be greeted with a dark night. "FUCK!!!" He jumped up and quickly scanned the field. "Shit! How long have I been sleeping, yeah?" 

Tobi was nowhere to be seen. _Shit! Shit! Shit!_ His mind was racing with all the possible ideas of what could have happened to him. "The bushes! He was supposed to be in the bushes, yeah!" the blond ran off in hopes Tobi didn't get himself in too much trouble. There would be no way to explain that to Leader-sama.

He jumped over the bush and looked around cautiously. He just barely spotted a black cloak with scarlet clouds with the help of the moon.

"Tobi…" he called.

"Yes, Deidara-sempai?" he answered and the blond let out a sigh of relief. Then Tobi turned around.

"…"

"What's wrong sempai?" Tobi asked innocently.

"…Tobi… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!?" He shrieked pointing a finger at said Akatsuki member.

"I'm picking flowers Deidara-sempai!" the masked man exclaimed, extending a dandelion. "Because Tobi's a good boy!"

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	2. Shark Attack

**Disclaimer: Compare this story to the actual show... does it look like I own it?**

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**Shark Attack**

Itachi sat on his assigned chair at the large table in the center of the room, reading silently to himself. Missions were frequent and spare time was becoming less. So he figured that, even for only a little while, he's like some time alone for himself. Time with no distractions or annoying, loud mouthed partners to disrupt him while he was reading.

_"Oh no! Please Karin, don't leave me!" He clutched at his chest. The pain was simply too much to bear. "I-I need you too much." He fell to his knees and girl stopped for a few moments to turn and look at him._

_He stretched his arms out for her to come back to him. She dropped her suitcases to take slow steps toward him, and he felt a sickening jolt of hope. She knelt down in front of him and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. "Goodbye, love." And his world crashed around him as he helplessly watched his dear beloved leave him… forever._

Itachi continued to read, completely engrossed with a shock-filled expression on his face.

"Oh no!" He turned his head to seed Deidara standing behind him. "Please, my dear Karin-Chan! Don't _leave _me! I am so lost without your love!" Deidara put the back off his hand to his forehead dramatically, and pretended to faint as he mocked Itachi's romance novel. The Uchiha glared darkly at him, but said nothing. If he did, it would only encourage the artist to pester him more.

Deidara turned around and left quickly. Itachi was not his main target today. Oh no, not at all, he had planned something better… much better.

The Uchiha briefly wondered why Deidara hadn't stuck around longer, but shook his head and dismissed the thought to turn to his novel.

_Daisuke stayed frozen with his fingers ghosting his lips. "Karin…" He was heartbroken and lonely. Far too lonely. Only thoughts of betrayal and emptiness were eating at the edge of his sanity. With no other thoughts passing through his mind, he felt around for the closest object he could find. A screwdriver. 'For this loneliness.' Without caring for anything else, he lifted the screwdriver high above him and-_

Snickers could be heard softly throughout the room. Itachi groaned and tried hard to keep his concentration, but it difficult when he heard the snickers and the mischievous cackles grow louder. He growled and snapped his book shut, stomping in the direction of where he heard the disruptive laughter.

He let his jaw drop momentarily at the sight before replacing it with anger. "Damnit Deidara! What the _fuck are_ you doing?!" The blond haired man smiled guiltily before opening his mouth to reply, but Itachi beat him to it. "Never mind, don't answer that. Just shut the fuck up next time you vandalize… that _thing._" He growled dangerously, letting his anger momentarily get the best of him, he threw his book at Deidara's head, then stormed out of the room.

Deidara rubbed his head where the book made contact, but his frown immediately disappeared as his eyes fell on the day's Master Piece.

Kisame's life-size cardboard cutout of a shark had been completely… vandalized, as Itachi had put it. The tail of the shark had been cut in the center to look like legs, and a black thong with red strips had been placed in between. Purple finger nail polish was painted in five straight lines on the edge of each fin and the eyes had looked mysteriously like the Sharingan. Last but not least, right above the naughty underwear were the words 'Come get me sexy boy.'

Just looking at it made Deidara burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. He found a piece of paper and wrote down a short message before taping it to Kisame's present, then leaving the room. This was going to be good.

"Too easy." Kisame laughed to himself leaving the men he had just killed to rot in the deserted house. He flung his sword over his back and took his leave with one last look at the dead bodies and chuckled again.

Deidara waited patiently for Kisame's return.

Not even an hour later did Kisame rejoin the rest of the group. Nothing different. Itachi glaring at the kitchen wall, Tobi staring thoughtfully at the ants trying to make off with bread crumbs, Sasori was probably in his room, Pein in his office, and Konan… well nobody really knew _what_ she did alone. He didn't pay much thought to Deidara who was watching him. Intently.

He slipped into his bedroom, hoping to catch some sleep before his next mission with the Uchiha. He flicked on the lights and got ready to pounce at his bed, but stopped dead in his tracks once he took sight of his life-size shark cutout.

_Thong. Nail polish. Eye color. Kill._

He took slow steps to it as if it were to be feared, then snatched the note hastily and read it over.

_Thank me later._

"FUCK YOU DEIDARA!!!!!" Because really… who else would it be?

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**Yeeaaahhh... I have nothing to say about this. Hehe.**


	3. Tobi's A Bad Boy

**Disclaimer: Don't own.

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Tobi's A Bad Boy

"Kisame… this is a bad idea." The masked man whispered as the two men hovered over the sleeping form.

"Tobi, my boy, you're always complaining about being bored around here," Kisame pointed out. "Don't you think you need to get off your ass and do something about it."

Tobi contemplated the words before answering, "Well yes, but Deidara-sempai –"

"But what, Tobi?" Kisame cut him off. "This'll be fun, I promise." Tobi gave in with a sigh and silently nodded his head.

"Deidara-sempai will not be happy with me… not happy at all."

"Don't worry about it." Kisame grinned devilishly as he pulled out a pair of scissors from his cloak. He gently gathered his fellow Akatsuki member's ponytail in his hands and carefully, quietly snipped away as to not wake him. "Pay back time."

Deidara woke up a few hours later and scratched the back of his head.

He froze.

'_This is not right,_' he thought, frantically searching the back of his head. He jumped out of bed and dashed into the bathroom. Deidara clutched the mirror, inspecting his reflection and almost immediately let out an inhuman shriek. As he noticed his blond ponytail was indeed missing.

He took a few seconds to think about who might have committed such a terrible offense… "TOBI!!!! KISAME!!!! GET YOUR FUCK ASSES OVER HERE SO I CAN CASTRATE YOU ONE AFTER THE OTHER!!!"

Tobi had been a bad boy in helping Kisame cut off Deidara's ponytail.


	4. Days Like This

**A/N: My computer and I are at a non-stop war with each other, so blame the computer for my slow updates. Not just me being lazy. No, not at all. XD**

**Disclaimer: My teacher says that I can't own Naruto because I'm not that creative. TT**

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And so it was raining.

The raindrops fell hard on the girl who was huffing every so often as she made her way down the street. She _despised_ the rain and had no idea why she was out here while it was pouring down over her, without an umbrella and a small plastic bag that she held in her left hand.

She huffed once again, detaching some of the strands of hair that had stuck to her face. It was raining, it was cold, she was tired, and all she wanted was to just crawl under the covers of her warm bed, and _damn it_ why wasn't she just doing that now?

The minutes passed slowly as she stomped her way through the village; which isn't a good idea considering how many mud puddles she was splashing through. She growled angrily, causing the man that had been innocently walking his dog to quickly dart across the street. People threw fearful glances her way, whispering to one another, rushing out of her line of vision, clearly trying to avoid her as she chanted "I shall kill him." repeatedly in a low voice, just making her way down the street.

She looked through the shop windows as she passed them until she reached the one she was looking for. Pushing the door open, she stepped in, hearing the bell ring above her.

"Welcome, miss. How may I help you on this fine evening?" The cashier turned around to face her while he wiped his hands on the apron tied around his neck and waist.

Konan snorted, "Are you blind or just stupid? It's eight o' clock in the morning and it's raining. I don't even want to be here right now, but I've been kicked out. So please shut up and get a brain."

"Feisty, I like you."

"Excuse me." She scoffed in disbelief. _Feisty?_ "Don't talk to me. Thank you." She turned and walked to the back of the store where the frozen food is held in large freezers. Konan opened the silver door and grabbed what she came for and then walked back to the register to purchase her item.

The cashier smirked at her as she slammed the frozen food down on the counter. "So foxy lady, you got a boy?" He said as he rang up the item.

_Foxy lady?_ Konan hated men's lame attempts at flirting. "Um… actually, I ate my last boy, so there's an opening if you want to take it." She smiled sweetly before hastily tossing some money, grabbing what she just paid for, and leaving hurriedly out the door without waiting for a reply.

_Days like this…_

The rain was still falling down from the dark clouds that covered the village. She shouldn't even be in this part of the village, but it's not as if she had much of a choice. It was a… _mission_. She scowled at the memories of how she ended up here anyway. It was days like this that she spent in her room reading her tattoo and piercing magazines while turning up her music real high to drown out the sound of the annoying pounding of the rain on the roof and the thunder that boomed outside. But no, she was sent on a…_mission_…to do this crap while she should be piercing her face right now.

She trudged through the puddles while glaring at the bottom of her soaking wet cloak. Great, this meant she had to do her laundry AGAIN this week. Sighing, she jumped off the road and onto the tree to her left that would take her back to the Akatsuki hideout.

The trees were soft and moist from the rainfall, which made falling off quite easy. Konan sighed, but was careful as she hopped from tree branch to tree branch, each step taking her closer to her bed. With much annoyance, she had completed her mission and now nothing was stopping her from slamming her door shut to her room once she got there. It was a well-known fact throughout the Akatsuki that Konan could be pretty dangerous on _days like this…_

Once far enough away from the sight of random people, she took another turn that led her directly to the Akatsuki hideout's door. It isn't that difficult for people to find, it was the special Akatsuki ways, and people's stupidity, that made it very hard to discover. Preparing the special Akatsuki ways, the door opened on command, allowing her inside.

"'Bout time, yeah." Deidara smirked without looking up, but knowing it was her anyway. "Leader has been tearing up his office and a few villages' civilians looking for you."

Konan growled harshly, and stormed off in the direction of her own room, instead. _Screw Pein. Damn him to hell_. And just as she promised to herself, she slammed her door shut making damn sure that everybody knew what mood she was in.

The moment she entered her room, a piercing scream caused her to stop her movements instantly. _Take deep breaths. Take deep breaths and think happy thoughts. _Shortly after, another ear-bursting scream filled the air. Stomping her foot, she swirled around to face the noise itself.

"Will you just-" Barging the door open, her sentence stopped short at the site she was greeted with. "What the fuck happened here!?" Papers were found in clutters on the floor, the office desk was flipped, and chairs were tossed to the side. All in all, it was a gigantic mess. "Pein!? What the hell did you do!?"

"I- Konan… I was looking for you."

"Fucking idiot" was whispered under her breath, but she still walked over to her Leader and pulled his head around with her hand. Staring directly into his eyes, she then thrust the bag into his chest.  
The curious eyes of the rest of the Akatsuki men looked around the room with 'WTF' faces.

"Here is your fucking mint chocolate chip ice cream, Pein. I don't want to hear from ANY of you boys for the rest of the day. Shut up and clean up this mess. I'm going back to my room and I expect the ENTIRE hideout to be completely spotless by the time I come out. No complaints."

Pein opened his mouth to protest, but Konan raised her fist, effectively silencing him. "I thought I said to shut up and no complaints." With impatient feet, she left the room.

All men sighed. "She's going through PMS. Jeez, yeah."

"I HEARD THAT!"

_Days like this…_

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A/N: Thanks for reading. You should review. I'll bake you a cake. No, seriously this time. Not cookies. Cookies are sooo over-rated. XD


	5. Rainstorm Nightmare

**A/N:** I wasn't planning on posting a new chapter this month, but the idea for this chapter popped into my head and it wouldn't leave me alone. At all. So I just sat down, took a deep breath, and typed it out. It's really not that long, so enjoy.

**Warnings:** Slight yaoi. I'm really sorry, I couldn't contain myself. I've been trying _so_ hard not to add ANY pairings whatsoever in any shape or form... but I just couldn't help myself. I had to. XD

**Disclaimer:** I'm going to be dead-honest with you all right now, I have this secret that breaks my heart everytime I so much as think about it: I still don't own Naruto or any of it's characters.

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Itachi dropped his head back against the tree trunk, softly shutting his tired eyes. Their mission had gone terribly wrong, and only if Kisame hadn't lost sight of the target, they wouldn't be where they are now. Dark clouds hovered above, promising an ugly rainstorm, and Itachi sighed. They were never going to make it back to the hideout it time.

The swordsman took a seat next to his partner underneath the tree, looking up at the darkened sky. He knew that they weren't going to make it back on time since the mission was a complete and utter disaster, but he at least wanted to make it to some form of shelter before the storm hit. So he went to inform the other.

"Psst."

Silence.

"Pssssst."

Silence.

"Hey, Itachi." He whispered, nudging the man in his side.

Nothing.

"Jesus Christ, Uchiha, WAKE UP!" He shouted, shoving the man to his side.

Itachi's eyes snapped open and he shot up from his spot, startled. "What the hell do you want now, Kisame!? First you're late because you don't know how to pour cereal in a freaking bowl. Then you pass out half way towards our destination because you didn't eat anything in the past two weeks. Then you lose sight of our target when I _clearly_ told you to watch him carefully while I gather information. What the fuck could you possible want now!?"

Kisame dropped his head. How was he supposed to know Itachi was so touchy after failing missions? "I was just going to tell you that I'm leaving now. I don't want to be caught here in the storm."

The Uchiha blinked a few times before muttering a quick "whatever". He briefly saw Kisame's retreating form as he sat back down and closed his eyes. It was a good thing that he _liked_ rainstorms.

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Itachi felt a soft hand on his shoulder, waking him up. "What—" How long had he been asleep?

His partner, Kisame, sat in front of him, smiling softly. "I came back because I just can't leave without you again, baby." He placed a finger on the other's lips. Itachi glared at the man before him, moving his hands upward to shove him off, but before he could do so, Kisame took his hands and laced them with his own.

"What do you think you're doing?" He hissed. He didn't like people invading his space, and he **definitely** didn't like loud, annoying partners touching him as they were.

"I'm so sorry, Itachi." Kisame whispered, leaning in closer, and said Itachi wanted nothing more than to hit him and snap him back to his senses, but couldn't as both his hands were being held hostage and his legs were currently being straddled.

"Get off. **Now**!"

Kisame grinned. That's what he liked best about _his_ Uchiha, his attitude. "No. Don't be like that Itachi, I said I'm sorry and I really mean it. I won't ever do that to you again."

Now the dark-haired man was panicking. What the hell was Kisame talking about? "What did you do to me, Kisame!? I swear to God if you—" his sentence was interrupted.

"No." He whispered, lowering his head onto Itachi's shoulder. "I decided that I won't ever leave you like I did earlier." The swordsman lifted his head, and aligned his lips to the one's before him.

--

Itachi shot upright in an instant frantically searching his surroundings.

Nothing.

He relaxed immediately. "What the hell—" He placed his finger tips to his lips and cringed. Did Kisame just… _kiss_ him? _No,_ he thought, _it was just a dream. _He took a deep breath to calm his nerves, closing his eyes for a moment.

He opened them as soon as he felt a weight on his shoulder to find the man just occupying his thoughts kneeling before him. Images of his earlier dream flooded his mind, and he tried scrambling to his feet, but Kisame held him in place.

"I came because I just can't leave—" He started but Itachi suddenly ripped out of his grip and bolted off as if his boxers caught on fire. This just _can't_ be happening.

"—you out in the rainstorm… alone?" He finished awkwardly to the empty spot where the Uchiha once was.

It would seem as if Itachi Uchiha has read one too many romance novels in his free time.

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**A/N:** Sorry for anybody who feels like choking the hell out of their computer for their dislike of the small KisameXItachi part there. Hehe...

P.S. This is soooo unbeta'd. I did recheck it, but it was 5AM, and I was tired. So you can bitch at me all you want in a review for any mistakes you may find. Deal?


	6. Wooden Phobia

**A/N:** I finally updated. I got pretty lazy while writing the ending of this chapter, so it's not very good. I just desperately needed to update.

**Disclaimer:** Sasori says I can't own Naruto because I ruined his wooden body here. Oops.

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Many years ago when the Akatsuki first began to form they decided on a secret hideout far beyond the boundaries of nowhere. Unfortunately there wasn't much beyond the boundaries of nowhere, so they had to stick with the absolute minimum. The Akatsuki was _never_ okay with the absolute minimum, but without patience and resources they agreed to suck it up and set up camp.

As they settled themselves, each Akatsuki member was assigned a room and certain responsibilities to their living arrangement. This wasn't a problem until the organization of terror began to increase in number. Space became limited, food disappeared within seconds of arrival, and the bathroom was _always_ occupied. Frustration ensued. A frustrated Akatsuki member caused a very bad day.

To avoid further issues, the great minds sat together. With pen and paper they brainstormed all the possible solutions. Hours passed before they presented the final results. But as fate would have it, the final results were unsatisfactory. Akatsuki members would bunk with their partner to expand space in the hideout, there would be designated eating hours to insure that each member could have their share, and an outhouse was built to solve the bathroom distress. Many were very unsatisfied, though only one member was absolutely fuming.

Sasori narrowed his eyes. "I will _not_ be sharing a room with _him_. Do you have any idea of the mental distress it will cause me?" He jabbed a finger in Deidara's face, who made no comment save the smirk he displayed.

Pein frowned, "If you won't abide our rules, then pack your things and leave. I have no tolerance for disobedience. You will share a room with Deidara, or you will find residence elsewhere and forfeit your membership with the Akatsuki."

Sasori pretended to be unfazed by the threat. "Then switch my partner! Leader, please."

Deidara sat back in his chair, resting his arms behind his head. He snickered as Pein lifted his eyes from his paperwork to glare at the redhead. "_Don't_ test me, Sasori. I am losing patience for you. Your partner is Deidara, and you will share a room due to the shortage of space."

Sasori dropped his head. "I apologize, Leader."

"Both of you get the hell out of my office. I don't want to hear anymore trouble from you for the rest of the day, understood?" The redhead nodded and turned to leave. "Oh, Sasori, one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Bring to me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream."

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"So roommate, we're stuck here forever huh?" Deidara grinned. "This'll be the shit. With my music and your outstanding tolerance for it, it'll be awesome."

Sasori did not respond. He concentrated on the thick raindrops pounding at his window instead. Shuddering, he wrapped the blanket tighter around his wooden body. Having a body made of wood, one would figure it would be impossible for the man to get cold. Sasori, somehow, found a way. Deidara snickered again, "Is the infallible Sasori a little cold?"

The redhead immediately dropped the blanket. "No." Lightening brightened the sky, and thunder followed shortly after. Sasori jumped and shuddered once more. It did not go unnoticed by Deidara.

"You know, I love rainstorms." The blonde smirked. "The lightening reflects my art in the most beautiful ways. And the thunder… mmm." Sasori pointedly ignored him. "We should go check it out."

Sasori shook his head. "No."

"Why?" Deidara asked. "You're not… afraid, are you?"

"Wha—of course not!"

"C' mon then. Let's go get some fresh air. If not I will deem you the chicken-est chicken of all time." This was too great for the blonde. Sasori constantly teased him for his every fault. It was time for retaliation. He chuckled darkly.

Sasori glared, but stood up with the other man. They walked through the hallway of the hideout and out the makeshift door to the open sky and land. The rain pounded over their heads with no mercy, so Sasori lifted his hands to protect himself. "I am made of wood, you idiot! This rain will ruin me!"

"Chicken shit!!" He laughed. "You're just afraid." Another clap of thunder resounded in their ears. Sasori shrieked and ran back into the hideout to further protect his body from the ravaging rain.

Sasori was very afraid of thunderstorms, and Deidara was his witness.

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**A/N: **I was really disappointed in this chapter. It's not how I hoped it would turn out, but I'm exhausted. My laziness got the best of me, so this is the result. I doubt there will ever be frequent updates, but I'll see what I can do for this week.

Reviews? Anybody? Bueller? ;P


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